Bring on all the good advice … said no mum ever!

Being pregnant for the first time is one of the most incredible experiences of a woman’s life. There is the sense of wonder at the way your body unfolds, making room for this unknown being who is about to become the centre of your universe. There is also the terror, punctuated by exhaustion and uncertainty.

Then the baby arrives and again, there’s that flurry of emotion – this time with a tiny, fragile new life to take care of, thrown in for good measure… just when you need headspace to process it all, another challenge rears its head: how to negotiate the sudden onslaught of friends and family who, with all the good will in the world, will inundate you with requests for visits, baby cuddles and constant updates… just when you need a little time to breathe.

While some women thrive on this unparalleled burst of love, others can find it overwhelming. For my part, I just wanted a bit of space to work out what the hell I was doing and – crazy alert – to protect my new baby from the endless waft of lurgies I imagined would flood the house on an endless tide of visitors. I also expended huge amounts of energy to maintain the house at a standard that would easily accommodate a visit from the Home Beautiful magazine photographer at any given time…hmmm.

By the time I had my second baby, I was happy to open the flood-gates almost immediately, desperate for a distraction for the older child, a break from holding two kids at a time, and the possibility of tea made by someone else. 

So, here is my guide to the Do’s and Don’ts for being the best, most supportive friend or family member you can be in those precious first weeks… feel free to add “and bring cake” to the end of every sentence.

DO

Be a pillar of strength for the new mum in your life. Make it clear that you are there to provide emotional and practical support as, and when, she might need it – and then back off until you’re needed.

Offers of cleaning, laundry, food parcels and shopping are all gladly received, even if not immediately taken up. Your job for the moment is to bolster your loved one, so that she can, in turn, have the strength to look after her baby (along with her partner).

Send supermarket food deliveries instead of flowers. Practical supplies like packs of nappies, wipes etc. are also unglamorous but endlessly needed. And gift vouchers! Yes, it sounds boring but the danger is that with so many petals, the new family’s suddenly cramped home will start to resemble a morgue; and no-one will ever resent you for providing something more practical.

Send a heartfelt card. I remember weeping over the lovely messages received after our first child was born. On that note, also send a card when the second child is born…and third and fourth…

Be patient. A few weeks means nothing in the long-term, but for a new parent, that period is pivotal. Some new mums and dads will want to introduce their new arrival almost immediately, whereas others might want to hold out for longer whilst they get to know their baby and adjust to their new role. Either way, your time will come, so hold tight and be patient… this isn’t about you.

Once you’re finally invited into the fold, tell them how great they look. Regardless of how strung-out they actually look. Ask how they’re feeling and be genuinely interested in their new world. Hearing about poo explosions and sleepless nights might be limiting in its interest, unless you have a newborn yourself.  Or perhaps you remember those days clearly, or have a very nuanced interest in anthropology…. but either way, try to stay focused.

DON’T

If you happen to know the baby’s allotted “due date” do not take this to mean the day on which the child will certainly arrive and henceforth bombard the parents with texts lamenting the baby’s overdue-ness. This is important. Trust me, as a woman who has been pregnant for nine long months, and will be by now the size of a small ship, you are acutely aware of the ticking clock. The baby will come when it comes. 

Once the baby has arrived, don’t send pleading requests for an invitation, which – well-meaning as they will surely be – might put the new parents under pressure to open their doors before they’re ready. It might sound annoying and incomprehensible, but bonding with a newborn, especially if you’ve had a difficult birth, can take a while; so breathe in and out and think Zen thoughts until your invitation arrives.

Do not ever offer unsolicited advice. “You’re making a rod for your own back…" or “When I was a mum we used to…” or “ You should do it like this” are all words no new parent wants to hear. If your opinion is requested, please feel free to share it, without taking offence if it is subsequently rejected. Every baby and every mother is different and sometimes people just need the space to figure things out for themselves… the baby will be fine.

Definitely don’t cast judgement over their parenting choices, whether it’s around breastfeeding; whether or not they choose to swaddle their baby; what sleeping methods they employ; how often they pick the baby up. However well-meaning your thoughts are on the best way to raise a child, please do not verbalise them.

New parents are hyper-sensitive souls. Don’t mention famine, disease, death or the prospect of them having to return to work anytime soon. Sometimes you just want to live in a cocoon, at least for a few days.

This seems almost ridiculous to include these days, but if you smoke, make sure you wash your hands before holding the newborn once your time comes. Nothing upsets a new mum like a baby who smells like an ashtray. It’s surprising how many people are still smoking and think nothing of handling an infant without hand-washing.

Lastly, don’t mention all the fun you’re having, how your career is progressing and/or all your amazing plans for Summer fun. It’s not that they’re not happy for you, it’s just that for the moment while they may be thrilled with their little bundle of joy, they’re also hormonal; add to that irrationally, insanely jealous and worried they may never sleep/leave the house/get a promotion ever again…or maybe that was just me?