Being Perfectly Imperfect Part 2
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to improve oneself throughout one’s life…that motivation for self-improvement is one of the cornerstones of the human experience and can be something that gives us a great sense of purpose of our time on this earth. But when that drive becomes one of a constant need to be perfect, it takes a lot away from us.
So what can we do about striking a healthy balance between wanting to be perfect and looking after ourselves?
1) Imagine what it is like when you are lying on your deathbed, looking back on your life and taking stock of what you do or don’t regret, what you wish you have done more or less of. Imagine, just for a minute, what you would like your epitaph to look like. Do you want the inscriptions on your tombstone to look something like “Always striving for perfection but never present”, or something that is quite different?
2) Give yourself permission to be fully present in the here and now. When we try to be perfect, we are essentially living our lives based on anxieties and worries. Worrying about whether or not we would be judged negatively for what we perceive to be a short-coming is future-focused (it has not happened yet and may not happen), even as the actual experience of the anxiety appears to be very much in the here and now. Worrying about whether or not you are going to be able to finish an assignment or a task distracts us from actually attempting that very task sitting in front of us. As much as we would all like to believe that we have the capability to multi-task a million and one tasks that require our concentration at one time, the fact is, if our focus is divided, we might find that we are achieving little in any of these tasks. Therefore, take a moment, take a deep breath, and focus on one thing at a time. If having a play with your child is the most important thing of the moment, be fully engaged in that bonding and fun experience. If reading an email is the matter of the moment, be fully focused in doing that. You will achieve a lot more and feel much more at ease by being fully present with one task/ matter at time.
3) Re-evaluate your standards and meet them from an angle of love and compassion, rather than from a stance of self-criticism and negative self-judgement. If you are reading this article and identify with some of what is written above, chances are, the self-belief of “I’m not good enough” is not something that is foreign to you. Re-evaluate this damaging self-belief by looking at the facts. What evidence do you have that indicate that you are indeed not good enough, and what evidence do you have that indicate otherwise? Is completing all of the household chores within one day, every single day, something that is realistic when you have young children needing your attention and care or if you have a full-time job? Is ensuring that everyone around you is happy and not disappointed all the time a matter of life or death (i.e. if your friend is unhappy that you are only able to speak with her for 5 minutes today instead of your usual hour-long conversations, will either she or you die from this?)? If you are to pretend that you are the one watching your closest friend or loved one trying for the umpteenth time to adhere to his unrelentingly impossible expectations of himself, what would you want to say to him?
4) Be gentle with yourself. Remember that you are flesh and blood, not a machine or robot. Your body and mind need nourishing and love just as much as the next person. Slow down, hit pause, take a step back (do this literally if you need to) and widen your perspective on what is at hand. Notice the negative thoughts doing laps in your mind, acknowledge them and observe them with the curiosity of a child. Observe how your body begins to release some of its tension when you step back and breathe. Observe how those thoughts in your mind change. Take a 5 minute break if your body, mind or soul need the rest. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that you are not running a marathon at this very moment (unless, of course, you literally are). Recognize that you are doing the best you can in this very moment with whatever resources you have available to you in the here and now. As much as you are your worst enemy, you can also learn to be your best friend. And yes, even if this is not sitting comfortably within you at this time, you can, nonetheless, acknowledge that you are doing a good enough job right now.