When Family Celebrations and Gatherings Aren’t Happy Times
Christmas is typically a time when families or entire clans gather. While many consider this time to be a time of cherished family memories and time together (particularly if families don’t get to see one another regularly), it can also be a challenging time for some.
For some, this time of the year can augment the sense of grief and loss due to having lost a friend or loved one. The gatherings during the festive season can magnify the sense of this loss…the empty chair syndrome can be a glaring reminder indeed.
While the festive season can be one that is filled with joy and helps to deepen bonds, this isn’t always the case for families who are estranged or disharmonious, families who simply cannot stand being in the same space together. It could also be the case where specific members of the family or clan have to contend with family secrets (those skeletons in the closet can spring out at the most inopportune of times) or experience ostracism for being somewhat different from the mould (think the individual who identifies as homosexual in a strongly homophobic family, think the “black sheep” of the family who is a free spirit in a family that prides itself on following the traditional university-career-family life-path, think the newly divorced family that is still trying to negotiate the new territory of doing the festive season differently, etc). In my personal experience, family (clan) gatherings are often a time of substantial discomfort. Being an Asian female of a certain marriageable age who also happens to have a post-graduate degree and all of the “should have’s” that comes with this territory, family gatherings are often filled with the awkwardness of fielding well-meaning questions such as “Why are you still not married?”, “are you not attached because you have studied too much?” and other equally well-meaning advice about filial piety and respecting one’s elders unconditionally. In my years as a psychologist, encountering clients who become frustrated or suicidal after the festive seasons’ family gatherings is also, unfortunately, not an unusual occurrence. For sure, family celebrations and gatherings can be a truly isolating time if you can’t play happy families. That said, family dysfunction is much more prevalent than most of us realise, and we can perhaps take solace in the knowledge that none of us is alone in experiencing the frustrating expectations and awkward explanations that can come with these occasions.
So how then, does one tackle family celebrations and gatherings when one’s first inclination is not to attend at all?
First and foremost, understand that your decision to attend any family celebration or gathering is an act of pure free-will. Unless you are a child and thus need to follow where your parents go (in which case, you are most unlikely to be reading this article), absolutely no other human being apart from yourself can make you present yourself at these occasions. Therefore, the fact that you are there means that you owe it to yourself to make the best of your decision.
Second, we can remember that it only lasts for a few hours or a few days at most. Keep this in mind when things appear to be intolerable, and try to practice mindfulness. One concept of mindfulness teaches us to be present-focused. Consider specific elements of the gathering/ celebration you might find pleasure in. Perhaps it is spending some quality time with that cousin you actually like and who you have not seen in years? Perhaps it is focusing on savouring that piece of chocolate cake that you just have to have a second helping of? Whatever it is, it can help to direct our attention to our experience of that particular moment and try to find something within it that helps us to reframe the negativity that we perceive.
Thirdly, as much as possible, try to ensure adequate self-care prior to, and whilst attending these gatherings and celebrations. Try and get a good night’s rest the night before. Adequate rest helps the coping and analytical part of our brain to function optimally, which helps us to cope better with situations we are struggling with. Practice relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing, mini-meditations, etc, to help you decompress and regulate. Have you ever noticed that taking a deep breath almost instantly puts you in a calmer frame of mind?
Last but not least, practice kindness and compassion…towards yourself and towards those who are present. Yes, it is perfectly ok to choose to smile and walk away from an awkward or antagonistic conversation without getting into a defensive fight to the death. Sometimes, it may help to understand that awkward interrogations arise out of the want of a better topic of conversation or sheer ignorance. For sure, the other person might be feeling just as awkward and uncomfortable as you! Or perhaps those attempts at putting you down comes from a place of poor self-worth to begin with? Character differences do happen even in the most tightly-knitted families. These differences are what make us unique as individuals. All it means is that we don’t necessarily need to see eye to eye in every single subject in life …. and that, is perfectly ok.