How Can Parents Influence The Teaching of Childhood Empathy?

“There is more to human empathy than merely sharing another creature’s pain.”

Neuroscientists Jean Decety and Philip L. Jackson (2004) argue that human empathy requires several components …

In addition to sharing feelings, the empathic person also needs to be capable of:

1.    A sense of self-awareness and the ability to distinguish one’s own feelings from the feelings of others. When Emma watches Sam wince, she feels his pain. But does she understand the source of her discomfort? If Emma lacks self-reflection, she might not recognise that Sam is the one in real trouble.

2.    Taking another person’s perspective. Emma loves broccoli, Sam hates it. So how does Sam feel when he’s told he can’t leave the table until he finishes his broccoli? It might be hard for Emma to recognise Sam’s feelings without understanding his point of view.

3.    Being able to regulate one’s own emotional responses. It’s not pleasant to witness someone else’s distress. If empathy were merely about ‘sharing feelings’, then, we might expect empathic people to withdraw from creatures in distress. To show empathic concern, or sympathy, Emma needs to control her own responses to Sam’s pain.

Human empathy involves a whole package of skills and social beliefs. Most of these must be learned. Parenting styles influence the development of empathy:

Sensitive, responsive parenting and secure attachments

Studies tracking children from an early age have reported that kids with secure attachment relationships show greater empathy, stronger emotional coping skills and more developed moral sensibilities. Secure attachments are promoted by sensitive, responsive parenting practices, so it seems plausible that such practices contribute to the development of empathy.

Emotion coaching

Parents who help their kids cope with negative emotions (by discussing them in a sympathetic, problem-solving-oriented way) have kids who are friendlier and more empathic. Parents who tend to minimise or ‘brush off’ their children’s emotions, promote the development of humans who are less socially competent.

Parents can influence the development of empathy in children in a number of ways:

a)   Parents can encourage children to reflect on their own feelings, and distinguish these from the feelings of other people.

Discuss feelings with your children. Help them to identify and name their feelings. There are many great books, YouTube videos and charts to use, to support your conversations around this topic with your child.

b)   Parents can encourage kids to imagine the perspectives of other people.

Ask your child if he would like to share something with another to help that other person feel good also. This will help them to experience the feelings of warmth and pride that goes along with this gesture, and they are likely to pursue this feeling again in future.

c)   Parents can teach children how to soothe themselves and “bounce back" from negative or anxiety-driven emotions.

Help your child to find objects, patterns of behaviour, rituals, exercises or music that helps them to calm or ‘cool down’. Perhaps some mindfulness activities might be useful here. Smiling Minds is a great app that has some ideas for children to bring themselves back to the moment.

A stretch toy or rain stick might also be useful for calming when emotions come bubbling in. Some children might even have a favorite piece of relaxation music they like to put on in these moments. You might even like to consider quietly playing relaxation sounds and having the blind half down in your child’s room most of the day, so they can retreat to their calming space easily when needed.

d)   Parents can control how much violent media their kids consume -- which may help to prevent children from becoming sensitised to aggressive and violent behaviours.

e)   Parents can teach empathy by humanising and personalising the victims of suffering.

f)     Parents can teach their children when it is appropriate to use empathy.

Talk about your child’s feelings with them often. Help them to recognise that others have similar feelings and they hurt, feel happy, proud, sad, frustrated and excited too. This learning will serve them well throughout life, so requires lots of practice and reminders.