Little Miss Back-Chat …

Talking back, sassy comments and rude gestures by children are a common complaint among parents and can cause problems within a family if the behaviour is not acknowledged. But what can parents do to stop this? Here are some tips:

Be Aware of What Language Is Used Around your Child  

What kind of talk occurs around your child? How much sarcasm, fighting, and inappropriate language is she exposed to? Children model their parents and if you are displaying behaviours you don’t want your child to use, it’s time to reflect on this.  If you know your home is not the place your child is picking up these behaviours, pay attention to her other environments, such as how day care providers speak to each other, and how relatives speak to each other. If you notice one environment is where the bad behaviours are stemming from, you may have to change that environment.

Notice Your Child's Feelings 

Often when a child talks back, what she's really expressing is anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Talking back guarantees you will pay attention, and negative attention is better than none.

Talking back and other behaviour issues are more common during times of transition, such as a new baby in the house, a change in a parent's work schedule, or something going on in school.

Your child may feel ignored or abandoned, and resort to backtalk just to get you to pay attention.

Pay Attention to Your Child's Self-Esteem, Sense of Powerless and Level of Comfort  

Does she feel powerless or not listened to? Does she seem out of control? Is it possible that the back-talk occurs because she has found that it is the most effective way to get an adult to listen to her and to get what she wants? Again, if this is the case, tackling these issues first may resolve the problem.

Establish Expected Behaviour and Give Alternatives  

Set family rules regarding expected use of language and let your child know your boundaries. Words can be just as damaging as physical abuse, so nip it in the bud early. Ie. “our family are kind to each other and are never rude.”

Consistency is the key to changing behaviours. Show children an alternative, polite way to use language.

Teach Consequences  

This important lesson must be understood by a back-talking child. Adults can simply say: "I am not going to listen while you are being nasty. Once you change how you talk to me, then I would love to listen." Parents and caregivers should always follow through with listening and paying attention, once the child does change his tone.

Teach Proper Communications Methods  

Sometimes, a child really doesn't know how to properly ask for things, or to communicate. In an appropriate setting and time (and not when a child has just challenged an adult with back-talk), calmly explain to her how to properly communicate. Reward your child's ability to speak kindly and calmly with positive reinforcement. You may say "I really like the way you asked for two more minutes on the iPad, but it is time for dinner." 

Teach Your Child How to Handle Disappointment and Failure  

Many times talking back comes from a child feeling disappointed or angry. Teach your child ways to cope or even voice disappointment or displeasure without talking back to an adult. Encourage your child to vocalise frustration and feelings of sadness and not bottle these feelings up, to avoid having them later explode with an attitude.

Role Play Scenarios  

Reinforce that inappropriate reactions/behaviours should always be followed by an apology and an attempt to again relay the communication in a non-"sassy" tone. Role-play with your child alternative ways to speak in certain situations and make it fun and silly. Children are more inclined to participate in silly games and will remember the games when it is time to communicate properly