Time-Outs, Time-Ins, Rewards Charts, Threatening, Removing Toys … what works? where should I start?

As most of us have taken smacking and other forms of corporal punishment out of the parenting tool box, time outs have become the go-to for parents struggling to manage unwanted behaviours.

Psychologist Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, author of parenting book, ‘Discipline without Damage’, argues the science of child neuro-development tells us interventions should “reinforce connection, not separation” between a child and a parent.

“The traditional approach to discipline that understands challenging behaviour as something that must be stopped, no matter what, simply does not work.” 

Q1. Why doesn’t smacking apply in today’s world?

When we know better, we have to do better. We know that parenting through fear and emotional and social isolation is not aligned with what contemporary science tells us is good for kids.

Q2. So what does contemporary science tell us?

We try to press upon children realities of the adult world, the idea that we want them to be in control of themselves. The reality is, kids don’t have self-control because their frontal and prefrontal cortex are immature. We know that the brain develops from the bottom up, meaning that the core or the foundation of the brain is the first circuitry that really takes root, and the rest of the brain will layer up on that foundation.

Now down in that foundation, we find a lot of the neural circuitry related to emotion and, in turn, emotional control. And there has been a lot of research looking specifically at what causes that part of the brain, or the systems associated with it, to flare up and become dis-regulated, and what would then conversely allow those parts of the brain to be settled and calm.

When children are stressed, through any kind of relational disconnection – which would include discipline tactics that are based on fear or discipline tactics based on emotional or social isolation – that causes a dis-regulation in the brain. When parents think, “I’m going to teach them a lesson” or “I’m going to make sure they know” they are wasting their energies as the reality is, if the brain isn’t ready for it, it’s just not going to happen.

Q3. You say discipline is not about making a behaviour stop and go away. What is it then?

In reality, discipline is about connecting with your children in their time of need. We provide that support through our connection with them.  This calms, steadys and regulates them – and then we give some teaching about what we hope will be able to change about that reaction the next time around. 

But as development happens and a child’s capacity for self-control increases, and parent- child relationship is intact, they’ll desire to want to do as we ask …

Q4. Many parents use time outs, consequences, reward charts and removal of privileges as an alternative to smacking, but you’ve said these strategies can negatively affect child development.

These particular approaches respond with something that either creates fear in them or isolates them. Because they’re so desperate to have the connection restored, they will cease the behaviour. But it’s a façade of control. Internally they’re still quite unsettled and dis-regulated. In the longer term, that can actually leave your child more prone to things like anxiety, depression and attention challenges.

Q5. What is the basic premise of your discipline strategy?

We know indisputably now that we require connections with one another in order to thrive and children actually need connections to be healthy and to grow. A lot of the common tactics that people use involve disconnection. So we need to take that premise of connection and relationship as being a key component to healthy child development and make sure that we are infusing everything that we know about discipline with this idea of connection. When we do that, we grow brains that are really good at regulating themselves.

Q6. So no spanking, no time outs. What should parents do?

 The bottom line is that effective discipline is much less about what you do and much more about how you are. 

PARENTING TIPS FROM ‘DISCIPLINE WITHOUT DAMAGE’- DR. VANESSA LAPOINTE (PSYCHOLOGIST)

#1. The tip: Be firm but kind.

In real life: “No, you can’t go over to Melissa’s house [cue child’s resistance flaring up]. I know you are disappointed. I think if I were you I would feel the exact same way.”

#2. The tip: Understand misbehaviour as a child who is struggling.

In real life: “Oh my goodness – you are having a terrible time – come with me. I will help you sort this out. Let’s grab you a drink of water and we can problem solve together.”

#3. The tip: Focus on the relationship as a core element of your approach to discipline.

In real life: “Wow – look at your amazing Lego creation – you are a rock star Lego builder. I love how you mixed all of those colours in. Now listen, I need you upstairs in three minutes to wash your hands and be at the table for dinner.”

A word about Neuroplasticity - the brain’s ability to change throughout life - reinforces connections that allow that kind of regulated brain to become a more permanent thing. So eventually the child’s capacity for self-regulation and control increases. Be sure you are aware of your child’s particularly developmental stage before embarking on any changes in behaviour … you may simply be expecting too much.