The Motherhood ideal
Many of us enter the world of motherhood with higher expectations than, as soon becomes evident, can possibly be achieved. I love this quote from author, Debra Gilbert Rosenberg, which I think sums this up so beautifully:
“New mothers enter the world of parenting feeling much like Alice in Wonderland.
- Being a mother is one of the most rewarding jobs on earth and also one of the most challenging.
- Motherhood is a process. Learn to love the process.
- There is a tremendous amount of learning that takes place in the first year of your baby’s life; the baby learns a lot, too.
- It is sometimes difficult to reconcile the fantasy of what you thought motherhood would be like, and what you thought you would be like as a mother, with reality.
- Take care of yourself. If Mommy isn’t happy, no one else in the family is happy either.
- New mothers generally need to lower their expectations.
- A good mother learns to love her child as he is and adjusts her mothering to suit her child.”
― Debra Gilbert Rosenberg
Why shouldn’t new parents hope and plan for their ideal? A healthy pregnancy, with a glowing mother to be, a text book perfect labour that is not too long, drug free, with favorite tunes playing quietly in the background as you meet your new baby for the very first time. This thriving healthy little babe will feed and sleep on cue and the proud parents will get plenty of rest and time to admire their little person and enjoy their new roles in the weeks to follow.
It’s fair to say that this is not the experience for many new mums and therefore some adjustment when the dream doesn’t match the reality is needed. In fact, often the bubble is burst quite abruptly and mothers are left feeling somewhat disillusioned as it becomes clear that the long-held dream of motherhood was just that… a dream.
But, of course, all is not lost. Some of those ideals may have come to fruition. Along with the perceived disappointments there are so many delights. The trick is to let go of the unrealistic expectations and allow room for the possibilities of so much more.
Firstly, if your body hasn’t ever had the experience of growing a brand new human being before, how could you possibly know how it will respond? If you have never experienced labour before, how can you possibly rate the degree of pain involved or know what you will need to get you to the finish line?
How will you feel when after hours of labour the midwife places your new son or daughter on your chest….you’re a mum! Let the emotions unfold as they will. You might have an overwhelming surge of love for this tiny defenseless creature or it might take some time for these feelings to emerge………either way is perfectly fine, as time will show you.
Sleep is a necessity for all humans, big or small. Whilst this may not be possible exactly when needed anymore, you will soon learn to take it when you can get it…day or night in the early days. You may then appreciate the small things you took for granted before. Feeding, whether breast or formula, will begin as a major focus but you will soon learn to relax a little around this as time goes on.
When we learn to leave behind our ideals of motherhood, which after all were just a wishful, perhaps highly researched, guess at best, it is only then that we can truly embrace the ‘now of parenting’. You are in fact caring for an individual that you had not met. It stands to reason that things will play out differently than planned. Immerse yourself in the needs of your newborn, remain flexible to the day-to-day changes and admire the quirky characteristics and ever-changing behaviours of your little person.
Motherhood comes in all shapes and forms, and of course there is no one size fits all. It’s important that the guilt or self blame of unrequited pregnancy and parenting plans and dreams don’t hang as a shadow over what is happening for you and your child now. Let those ideals and regrets go and recognise that being truly present in interactions with your child each day will have the greatest positive impact on your relationship and therefore your sense of satisfaction in your role as a mother.