Being Perfectly Imperfect

Part 1

We are our own worst enemy. How many times have we heard this phrase? 

In this modern age where everything seems to be functioning on crack and one error sometimes means the line between job security or dismissal. Or a difference of one grade marking the difference between securing an entry into the university and course of your choice or being relegated to something you will likely suffer through. It is no wonder that we, as a human species, have been nurtured to excel, to perform, to be extraordinarily meticulous to detail from a very young age for fear of falling short. In short, some of us have, over time, developed a rather interesting, and sometimes debilitating need, to be perfect. 

How many times have you heard about someone, perhaps a friend, family or colleague, who needs to proof-read every single line of every single email or report more than once before sending it off to the intended recipient?

How many times have you heard about someone you know who feels such a strong need to look perfect that she changes out into a colour-coordinated outfit with full make-up just to walk 5 minutes to the supermarket?

How many times have you heard of someone who always appear calm and collected in public, but who becomes an anxious mess in the safety of his home?

How many times have you heard of someone who habitually works over time just so her work looks perfect?

Have you also ever met someone who appears to have the perfect happy family but you later find out that the family has its own struggles?

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests that when the basic needs for survival (food, water, shelter, air to breathe, safety, etc) are met, we naturally proceed to want to seek out more to our lives. As we work our way up the hierarchy of needs, we eventually arrive at the “higher order” needs, such as Love and Belonging, Self-Esteem, and Actualization. Somewhere along this pursuit of happiness and fulfilment, some of us also begin to equate this to the pursuit of perfection….being perfect = happiness and living a purpose-filled life.

My country of origin is one of those rarities in the Asian/ South-East Asian world – developed, safe, the preferred melting pot for developed countries around the world, has an international airport that consistently ranks number 1 year after year, is fast-paced and affluent, and has a fantastic public transport system just to top it all off. Growing up, I was taught that getting the best grades are what matters most as they would open up opportunities for me beyond my wildest imagination – excellence in grades = living a prosperous and prestigious life in adulthood…we were streamed into an education hierarchy system before we even learned what life was all about. 

Being raised in an Asian culture, I was also taught that the perfect child is seen and not heard, and that strict discipline breeds a disciplined mind. Little wonder that I very quickly learned from a young age that one has to be as perfect as possible in order to make something of oneself in life – I internalized the sense that in order to achieve actualization (the penultimate goal of life), I first have to discipline myself into becoming perfect.

Don’t get me wrong…the drive for perfection has indeed served me brilliantly throughout huge chunks of my life. The discipline of my wandering mind and spirit helped me to remain focused on my life goals and I am proud to say that I have achieved most of what I had set out to accomplish 20 years ago. The strive to be perfect helps get things done, helps to ensure that datelines and expectations are met, helps me to be stoic at times when my world seems to fall apart, helps to keep me in the safe comfort of knowing exactly what comes next (or so I thought).

On the other hand, it is also no coincidence that, in the pursuit of becoming the perfect version of myself, I have had to relearn a substantial lot of who I am and what I wish to leave behind as my legacy at the end of my life. Along the way of trying to be perfect, I, along with many others, have forgotten that the real world out there is much MUCH more colourful than what I can ever hope to experience by locking myself inside that box of perfection and throwing away the key. 

I began to experience the at-first ungainly taste of failure when I failed. I began to learn that trying to be perfect all the time is exhausting at the soul level, and cause me to become avoidant and to procrastinate, leading in the end to me feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I began to learn that no amount of planning, being careful and meticulous can chase death away nor bring back moments I wished I have savoured instead…I experienced my first heart-wrenching and soul-crushing loss and grief.

 I began to learn that emotions in all of its glorious range is ok…that I do not have to shy away from expressing my feelings even if they make someone else feel uncomfortable. I learn that being a good enough parent to my furbabies and a good enough daughter/ sister/ friend is perfectly fine instead of striving to be the “perfect” parent/ daughter/ sister/ friend…I do NOT have to be present for every single person or cater to every single want of another every single time.

And along the way, I learned to detract myself from becoming depressed or anxious because I have not scored 100% on every single test/ exam. I learned that sometimes, negative comments from others are very much a result of their personal baggage and projections rather than my worth as a therapist/ family member/ friend…a lesson that I am still learning. I also learned that it is ok for me to treat myself with love and gentleness instead of engaging in the default self-criticism and negative self-judgement. I gradually learned that my sense of self-worth as a person has got very little to do with being perfect.

Because, at the end of the day, what is “perfect” anyway?