Self-care for Parents
Becoming a parent is perhaps one of the most rewarding life experiences one can have. For many, it can also be one of the most challenging and at times, downright exhausting period of adult life. Being a parent does not necessarily begin from the time your little bundle of joy arrives into this world. For many, becoming a parent begins from the time one decides to become a parent. From the time your little one arrives into your world at whatever age, you have essentially committed yourself to nurturing this other life for at least the next 10-20 years. Your life as you know it takes a drastic change. No longer are you able to make impromptu decisions about taking a holiday for months, gone are the days of having the luxury of sleeping through the night (for several years at least), working harder in order to provide financial stability for your family, and somehow garnering all of your reserve energy to now factoring in all of the additional responsibilities that come with the territory of becoming a parent – school runs, appointments, extra-curricular activities, toilet-training, managing your child/ children’s emotions, having differences in parenting views with your partner/ spouse, etc. All of this can make it seem like there are not enough hours in a day, and more often than not, personal self-care takes a dramatic back seat in all of that others-focus and fury of activities. Indeed, when one is already struggling to manage all of the demands on oneself from society, work and home, where does one even begin to fit in time for the self?
Therefore, not having enough time to care for oneself becomes a double-edged sword. Even though we might feel good about being able to provide the care and love for our families, we can’t keep running on reserves. A car that hasn’t had the petrol tank filled would eventually run out of fuel and breakdown if its petrol tank isn’t filled or if it isn’t serviced regularly. There is wisdom in the safety announcement that we hear on airplanes before take-off…if the air pressure drops and the air-masks are activated, put on your own mask before helping others with theirs. The logic behind that is this: it only takes 15 seconds from the time the cabin pressure drops for one to pass out. If you are passed out, what good then, are you to those around you? If the exhaustion begins to affect your mental health, how are you going to care for your family in the way that you wish you could? Burn-out in parenthood is a real thing, but it can be prevented if we begin to look after ourselves.
So here are 3 gentle suggestions for taking care of yourselves as parents that might just work themselves into your daily chaos:
1) Don’t be afraid to delegate.
In my work, I often hear parents say they “have to”, “should”, “must” look after all of the needs of the household and their children on their own. When we adopt this belief with what is required of us in raising children, no wonder we run out of energy and begin to feel defeated. If you have a partner/ spouse, negotiate and spread out all of the childcare and household duties between you. If you have older children, let them take responsibility for some of the simpler chores…it is beneficial for their development and learning in life. If you have access to extended family who are more than happy to help, don’t be afraid to reach out and accept that help in whatever form that takes. Perhaps you can then take that mini-break to take that longed-for bath? If guilt kicks in, remember the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”. Remember that as much as you would like to be super-human, none of us is and that is ok. That flows on to our second point.
2) It’s ok not to be perfect.
That’s right, you don’t need the house to be spotless and the sink emptied of dishes every day. Neither do you need to force yourself to get up and make it to every single appointment or event if you are under the weather. It’s also ok to have emotions of your own that are not pleasant…feelings of frustration and irritation are all normal part of our human experience and are great cues to us about what we are experiencing, it’s what we do with those emotions that matter! Recognize that nagging voice in your head that tells you that you need to be perfect in all areas, take note of what it’d originated from (perhaps it has developed over time as you grew up? Perhaps you’ve learned to begin owning that voice that didn’t belong to you originally?), and allow yourself to be gentler and kinder to yourself. Remember that no good roads or solid houses are constructed in a single day. Neither do you need to make sure that you go through all of the chores or tasks on your to-do list in a single day, every day. Re-write that to-do list so that it is realistic for you. There are 7 days in a week…it is ok to spread those chores out across the week. Prioritize the essentials and non-negotiables, then space all the rest out through the week.
3) Breathe.
Have you ever noticed that we usually aren’t conscious of one of the most instinctive part of ourselves…breathing? Breathing is so automatic that we don’t actually pay any notice to it, yet it is the one of the basic essences that sustains us. Have you ever noticed that our breathing become shallow, quicker, and we find it harder to take a breath when we are stressed? Not breathing deeply deprives our brains of oxygen, which in turn, decreases our ability to cope with stress and to think clearly. Therefore, the next time you notice that you are stressed, take a moment to take a deep and slow breath through your nose and release that breath slowly through your mouth in a long sigh. Your brain and body will thank you for it. And the best thing about this? You can take a deep breath wherever you are, in whatever it is you are doing at that very moment!